The Bathroom Stall Dilemma

If you're anything like me, your mother always told you never to use the first stall in a public bathroom. There was never any explanation, just a statement of rule - as if it were written on a stone somewhere in the Universe by the hand of an immortal being.

Of course, there's a problem with this maxim - if everyone's mother tells them not to use the first toilet stall, then who is using it? Which stall SHOULD you use? In this odd installment, I'll outline the pros and cons of each toilet stall.

Stall #1: Your mother always told you not to use it, because logic would appear to dictate that, as the closest stall to the door, it would be the most used and therefore the filthiest. It follows, then, that the first stall is used by those who weren't warned away by their mothers. These are often children, who can be very messy in the bathroom. Also, the first stall is often the "emergency stall" for people who are having intestinal issues. So stall #1 may be a bad choice.

Stall #2: For those who automatically skip stall #1, stall #2 may be the automatic first choice. This means it is used at least as often as stall #1, but probably by more conscientious bathroom visitors. As such, it is likely to be cleaner at the very least.

Stall #3+: If the bathroom has at least 4 stalls, stall #3 may be the best bet. It probably gets used less than stalls #1 and #2, simply because it is further from the door. Any stalls between #3 and the last stall are probably okay to use without too much worry about how often they get used in a day.

The Last Stall: Always avoid the last stall, if possible. Just like the back seat of the bus and the last row of the classroom, the last stall is an invitation to troublemakers. The last stall is often where toiletgoers will find the most offensive graffiti and carvings in the entire bathroom. It is also the most likely to be the only stall in which the toilet paper roll has been torn completely from the wall, with any toilet paper perched precariously near the toilet and bearing suspicious-looking water stains. At all costs, avoid the last toilet.

And, now that this bathroom bit is coming to its conclusion, some simple words of advice: don't just blindly walk into a stall or skip a stall based on rules. Whatever the number of bathrooms, check each stall until you find one that meets your standards. And always, always make sure it has toilet paper before you sit down!